20/80

^ my score for one of my four midterms.  for my other three midterms, i got at the median or below.  basically, i'm a failure at school, if not at the greater struggle called life.  i feel you ajuh (insert weeping sounds here)

school has been a constant struggle for me, which has been extremely frustrating.  coming from whitney, i felt pretty "smart."  grades were never a problem, hw was easy, and learning was actually pretty fun.  now, i'm at the opposite end of the spectrum; i get murdered in my grades, hw takes at least 50 hours of work a week, and i don't learn anything anymore.  it's just really frustrating because i love what i'm trying to learn now, but i feel like such a failure because of my grades.  circuits are pretty fun to tinker with, using fourier and z transforms to convert signals into a summation of sinusoids is suuper elegant it tickles me, and coding in C allows me to mesh creativity with my academics.  semiconductor physics is blah haha.  but despite my joy in going to class and figuring out how these things work, the grades always come back to punch me in the face.

i feel like this is God's way of teaching me humility, of teaching me to trust in Him more.  in high school, i lived the way i wanted to live.  i did everything in my own power, from grades to friends to my girlfriend.  and now everything has been turned topsy turvy for a long time now.  it's just hard because even though i acknowledge that i need God's help to get through every season in my life now, i still have yet to really seem him move in my academics.  he's taught me so much about caring for the poor, about reconciliation within the community, about being still and pursuing him through individual prayer and worship, but i've been begging him to just be with me in my academics, and i can't seem to find him!  it's like where's waldo without a waldo on the page :/

getting back my grades was super hard for me; i know that we're supposed to be satisfied in God alone, but at the moment when i got all my grades back, i felt like crying and screaming; i felt the weakest i've ever felt.  and this is just one of the nine quarters i've been here; just multiply the agony by nine and there you go.

OK WOW.  God is too amazing.  JUST right now, my great aunt called me and told me that she thinks about me everyday and she prays for me and she told me not to be burdened by my academics but to trust and depend on God.  random?  about as random as the great sea parting.  woow, i can't even describe how i'm feeling right now.  hahaha what a miracle on the fly.  now i feel like laughing and crying and singing and dancing all at the same time.  i know that this doesn't mean i'm going to get a 4.0 now, but i don't care one bit.  God DOES exist in academics hahaha, he's bigger than Stanford ofsho.  i can't wait to see what he has in store for my silly excuse of "life."

i had a lot more i was going to talk about, but i'm going to spend some time with my lover now.  maybe tomorrow?