Dead Man Living

Praise God! I've survived what was possibly the hardest week of my winter quarter, maybe even of my entire time at Stanford. Break it down:

- 2 labs (one of which took 20+ hours, which I ended up not completing :/)
- 4 problem sets (one for each techie class)
- 1 paper (this was paper #2/4 for a 1 unit class :/x 999)
- 3 midterms (two were worth %20 of my entire grade, the other %30)

Soo, basically, life was a living h-e-double hockey sticks (minus the eternal darkness, void of God's love). I'm pretty sure I bombed all my tests and messed up on all my problem sets. On the plus side, the fact that I'm alive is a huuge testament to the power of God hahahaha.

At any rate, academics are cool, I guess, but the reason for the title of the post is two-fold. Prior to this past week, I had been challenged to think about life, love, and God, three of my favorite things but three of the hardest things to talk about in relation to my life. It was a Friday night and I was having dinner with the worship leader for IV. She was challenging me to think about myself (something I have trouble with) and see the areas that I did not want to look at. The more I thought about...It was at that moment that I realized I didn't believe that God loved me. My heart broke and I was about to cry, me, a grown up 20 year old, sitting at a public restaurant. I realized that I couldn't bring myself to trust God with my whole heart; sure my future is secure in him, but why do I feel like such a failure in school regardless of how hard I study? Sure, all things are possible through God, but why did he give me such a passion for music and so many signs showing me music in my future when I feel like I have no chance as a musician? Sure, the spirit of God is an endless spring of peace and joy, but why do I feel thirsty all the time? I was shocked at these revelations; they all pointed out something that I had hidden inside of me, but was totally unaware of: I didn't believe Jesus loved me.

This harsh truth burned inside of me for a few days, totally consuming my every thought. How did I get to this point? Why do I feel this way when I know the truth? That night, I sat in the darkness, trying to trace the origin of this lie of the enemy, when I realized that this mistrust had stemmed from relationship with another lover. I had lost all faith and trust in the beauty that is Love as a result of a hard relationship, and I was still being haunted by the lies that had surrounded me back when I had abandoned God. I literally felt like my spirit had died within me, and that I had nothing left to live for. But, God is good, all the time, ofsho! The next morning, I woke up with Psalms on my heart. I hopped from my bunk down to my desk, and without contacts/glasses, squinted my way through Psalms 31. And it was such a beautiful miracle. Some verses that spoke out to me:

Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth. Psalm 31: 5

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7

For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God." Psalm 31:13-14

Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love. Psalm 31:16

Mm, the Word is so good. Then, on Sunday, as the children sang "Jesus Loves Me" during the service, I was reminded again of how good and how powerful God is.

Jesus loves me, this I know,

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to him belong,

They are weak, but he is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so :)

I am little and I am weak, but my God, he is strong and best of all, he loves me.